Crack Playthrough
by RiderlessWolf
Summary: The beginning of Link's journey.  Who knew he was such a snarky prick?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This was something I was working on many months ago, but abandoned because it took so much time to write one chapter (15 minutes of gameplay = 2 hours of writing!). There are three chapters for this, which will be uploaded separately, with probably a week between uploads. Maybe less. It was well recieved on the other site I had it, so I thought I'd bring it here. I'd like to do a little more with it, but no promises. And I certainly will NOT finish the whole game! That would be around 500 chapters.  
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**There were some inside jokes there that I reference in here I don't feel like editing out. The only one you'll probably notice is that Link is called LONK and Epona is called HORSE.  
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**I don't own Zelda, blah blah blah.**

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Not really in the mood to listen to some guy with a creepy mustache being all sentimental about metaphysical junk concerning how our emotions transcend into other worlds and are affected by shadows, I dozed off.

"LONK, would you mind doing this then?" were the words I awoke to. "Huh? Oh, sure, anything Rusl." I figured he'd tell me later what I just agreed to do. "Rusl, why did we already load up HORSE with sticks if we're just idly laying here?" Rusl took the hint, and we headed off towards the village, before I realized I meant to ask Rusl something important, "Rusl, why is your mustache black, but the rest of your hair blonde?" "I don't know LONK, why are those tufts of hair in front of your ears so much longer then the rest of your hair?"

Then I awoke in my nonexistent bed in my tree-house I didn't actually remember getting back to last night. "HEEEEEYYYYY!" I figured it was Fado telling me it was time to round up the goats. I looked out my window to see what time it was. Judging by the sun, it was about a quarter till noon.

It's amazing that in a small town like Ordon, where most of the population is illiterate and toothless, I had actually managed to obtain a collection of books on my 2nd...uh..."floor". As I glanced at my "Taming of the Shrew," I got the odd feeling that the knowledge within may soon come in handy. And then there was Waldo...One day, I shall find that elusive bastard.

As I stepped outside, I looked to where I kept HORSE, but she wasn't there. As I glanced around, one of the two paths I could chose from caught my attention, mostly because of the ominous zolly. I headed back towards the forest I was in last night, remembering I hadn't taken my morning leak yet. I lifted my dress tunic and began groping around in my long johns as I walked into the spring, only to notice that I wasn't alone. There was Ilia, taking slow, dramatic strides toward HORSE, then Ilia began to pet her. As she glanced to the side, she let out a quick gasp as she spotted the man who broken her hymen. Oh, Ilia seemed surprised by my presence too. "Oh, Hai LONK. I washed HORSE for you!"

I mounted HORSE and headed to the ranch that was only a sixteenth of an acre big. Ordonian Goats were a unique breed. Legend has it that they were once cross-bred with fireflies, which would go a long ways in explaining why they blinked red when they got annoyed with me. By the time I was done, It must have been at least noon, so I decided to go to bed. Fado also so kindly gave me the next day off, something about helping him and hard work...

Then I awoke, in my non-existent bed in my tree-house I again did not remember getting back to. I looked out the window to find that the village kids were stalking me as usual. Well, stalking puts it harshly. 'playing outside my house while I'm asleep, waiting for me to get up' would be more accurate, and just as weird. Also, I was in the mood to...take care of some personal business, and the sounds of children at play were too distracting. But I knew where to go for some privacy.

I left my house in a rush, ignoring the children's "LONK, LONK, LONK, HEY, LISTEN." once I reached the village, I immediately hopped in the water and swam down stream. Finally, a moment to myself where I could...wait, is that monkey watching me? Growing up in the woods, you naturally develop a certain reverence for nature and it's beings, so as gently as I could, I threw a rock at the monkey's head, causing it to flee and drop what ever it was holding.

As the object floated towards me, I realized it was a cradle. I thought of the many pregnant women in this town, and figured it must belong to the only one. Sighing, I swam back upstream to Uli. "Oh, LONK, My cradle! How did you know it was mine? Could you do me a favor and bring that to my house? I'll lead you."

It took her a few seconds to turn around and start waddling up the path to her house, so I ran ahead. But as soon as I made it to her door, she was right behind me! "...so because of the pregnancy, my breasts were getting bigger at first, which made Rusl happy, but then it started making me all gassy. Since then, he's been spending a lot of time "patroling" the woods. Oh yeah, LONK, I'm supposed to give you this." She handed me a stick "Uhh, thanks Uli...what is it?" "It's the fishing pole Colin made for you!" huh, never woulda guessed.

I knew of the perfect place to put this supposed fishing pole: my pitch black basement, where it literally would never see the light of day again. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids. "LONK, Hey, listen, Hey, LISTEN" "WHAT?" "Didja hear? There's a SLINGSHOT at the store!" "Really Talo? That's fascinating. Now if you'd excuse me, I-" "I...need..slingshot. Must...have...power! GLARBLARBARR!" "You doing alright there, Malo?" "Huh? Oh, I just had something in my throat, don't worry LONK...Stupid waterwheel."

I walked off, muttering to myself. "damn kids. Ha, maybe I should get the slingshot and pelt you from my window. Wait...Hey, that's not a bad idea!" Back inside my house, I climbed down my ladder to my dark windowless basement that I for some reason keep stuff in. This was a good security measure, as most people couldn't see down here. But me on the other hand, I had a way. I whipped my shirt off to expose my extremely pale body. Sure I work outside a lot, but I have something of a farmer's tan. My paleness emits a light of it's own.

I retrieved the rupees from my wooden chest and headed back to town, but big fat disappointment awaited me there, and it's name was Sera. Through her tears, she blathered something about her cat running away, and I left the store empty handed, not quite sure why someone would be saddened by a missing cat.

Realizing that I still had the fishing stick somewhere on me, and that I was so close to the pond, I decided to give it a try before locking it away. From the dock on the other side of town (never knew why we had a dock if there were no boats), I cast the line into the water. Just then, I remembered Rusl's secret fishing tip: As soon as you see the bobber drop, start doing the dance to the Village People's YMCA with just the hand you're holding the rod in. And son-of-a-bitch, it actually worked. And Son-Of-A-Bitch, the fishing stick actually worked too! "Son of a Bitch! That cat stole my fish!"

I tried to hook the cat with my fishing stick, but it got away, so I chased it back to Sera's house. Once inside, she seemed so happy about the return of her cat, that she gave me a present: a half empty bottle of milk she had been drinking out of "Gee Sera, thanks for the free bottle of milk and all...but don't you think it's possible to give me a bottle that you haven't just drank half the contents of?" "Fuck you, this shit is free." "Whatever. How much for the slingshot?" "30 rupees. I'll just need you to fill out this ATF 4473 form so I can run a background check."

I swear, we must have waited on hold for about an hour with the Ordon Bureau of Investigation. But finally, I can chase those kids off my yard. But first, I'd like to ditch my fishing stick. "Hey, LONK, is that the slingshot? Can I see it?" "No." And I walked right by him, on my way to my tree-house.

There were two things I noticed in my abode. One was that Rusl was there rifling through my dirty laundry, and the second was that my dinnerware had a white and blue floral pattern on them. "Uhh, what brings you here, Rusl?" "Oh, I sharpened your stick for you. It's in that chest over there." I opened the chest and withdrew the stick that was somehow longer then the chest. "Weren't you going to make me a sheath for this as well?" "Oh, don't worry about that, just stick the sword on your back" I pretended to be sheathing the sword, and Lo! It stayed put. "Amazing Rusl! Is it magic?" "Don't be an idiot, it's velcro." "Oh. Rusl, why did you put the sword in the chest, only too have to carry a chest up my front ladder as well as the sword?" Rusl stared at me, then dropped my pair of boxers he forgot he was holding. "Well, gotta go, see ya around, LONK."

After Rusl left, I admired his craftsmanship on sharpening my stick. If he hadn't of brought it back, I would have had to wonder around the forest for MINUTES to replace it. On my way back out, I made sure to check on the pot of mystery stew that had been hanging over my fire for who knows how long. Mmmm, smells like mystery.

Back in front of my house, the kids were nagging me about my sword. Feeling rather bored, I decided to humor them, and in the process discovered that Beth wants to jump my bones. Talo looked like an idiot mimicking me, but luckily a monkey appeared, and Talo lustfully chased after that monkey.


	2. Chapter 2

I climbed up my ladder, intent on taking a nap, only to discover that I hadn't actually been left alone. "Aren't you gonna go after them, LONK?" came Colin's effeminate voice. "Wasn't planning on it, actually." "But LONK, if they get hurt, the parent will know they were here with you and blame you" That kid's right...and I doubt my slingshot will keep the parents away. So I tried to jump off my porch on to HORSE's back which would be AWESOME if that would actually work, but as usual I landed on my feet at her side somehow. Meh, I'll just run after them. How far could they have gone in their 30 second head start, right?

I reached Beth in about 20 seconds. "They went that way, LONK. I couldn't keep up with them." "Of course they went that way! There was no other way for them to go, except back to where they came from...MY BLOODY HOUSE! And I think I would have noticed that. And besides, Malo's legs are about 3 inched long, how could you not keep up with that? He has a knee and a foot on each leg, nothing else!"

Of course, Malo's lack of usable legs meant that he was only another 20 feet up the path. "Talo went that way LONK." "Thank you, Sherlock. Good to know he didn't pass me on his way back without my noticing. It can get hard to see from waaaayyy up here at a staggering 5'10", you know."

I continued running at full speed down the path. I always ran full speed. It's amazing that I have enough stamina to always run full speed, but maybe always running full speed is what gave me endless stamina to always run at full speed. Then I reached a gate that came up to my waist that I couldn't climb. I don't know why the gate was here, or why someone half my size and age could climb it and I couldn't, but that was hardly the issue right now. I plucked some grass and started whistling the tune that HORSE liked. Then I realized that she was a quarter mile away and tied up, so there was no way she could - oh, never mind she's about right in front of me. "I thought I had tied you up..." "Neigh" "Oh, if you say so. I didn't realize you were following me, though..." "Neigh" "But then, how did you...oh forget it, let's go."

We hopped the fence and continued on till we got to just the guy I was looking for: Stoned Richard Simmons. I new there was no way he'd notice a kid chasing a monkey, so I didn't bother asking. Instead, I knew how dangerous the forest could be during the day, so I figured I'd borrow a lantern from him as a precautionary measure.

I returned to the path to continue after Talo. "Hey HORSE, let's get going!" "Neigh." "Fine! I'll go alone, I don't need you!" As soon as I headed down the path, a giant Venus Fly Trap popped out of the ground. I beat it to a pulp with my stick, and started down the path again, into a dark cave.

I thought about lighting the torches along the way, but quickly realized I could just stare at my map and run (at full speed of course), into A GIANT SPIDER WEB! My palms were sweating and I started breathing heavier in anticipation of what was going to happen...but it never did, so just to prove a point, I skipped the rest of the way through the scary cave.

I sprinted through the valley I now found myself in, but a rampaging purple goblin rampaged at me. Fearing his deathly, uh, stick, I jumped to the side right at the last moment. Not 5 seconds later, he fiercely heaved his club as where my head was 5 seconds ago. By that time, I was about 20 yards past him getting ready to run past another fearsome goblin.

But then trouble arose. I found what I was looking for, but yet another purple menace stood directly in front of the chest I needed. With bold heroicness, I ran right next to him, retrieved the key I needed, and left the cave, leaving our antagonist in agonizing incompetence, but he was like that when I got there, so I paid no mind.

Knowing full well the goblins' weakness, moving targets, I ran. With cat like reflexes, I ran right between a pair guarding the gate. I then ran to the base that mysteriously big tree in the giant hole in the ground. There was Talo and the monkey in a cage. "Talo, you had a 30 second head start! How did you get...Wait, YOU COULD WALK BETWEEN THE DAMN BARS!" "LONK, save me!" And I thought the goblins were incompetent...

I ran up the the cage, broke the sticks that bound it together with my stick, hoping mine wouldn't break, and freed Talo. "Ready to go, Talo?" "LONK, save me?" "Oh you gotta be kidding!" I walked up to the first goblin, smacked him around till he exploded, then did the same thing to his friend. Talo did an idiotic dance.

We headed back to Ordon, walking for once. At one point, Talo stopped me to ask me not to tell his parents. Except for that one time that his dad shouted at me from atop a rock, I ignored his parents anyways, so I agreed. Then, Talo took off in a full sprint back to Ordon. "Talo, we're going to the same damn place! Why are you run-oh, hey Rusl."

Rusl walked out from Richard Simmons's property. "Oh, yeah LONK, I was just coming to look for you. This task should not have fallen to you" "Rusl, this is an easier job then chasing a handful of goats around the worlds smallest ranch once a day a few days a week." "Let's just keep that as our little secret..."

And there I was, lying one the grass on the ranch, doing that hard work that Fado gave me the day off from yesterday. Wait, yesterday? What happened to the last 18 hours? "Hey, LONK! So taday's the day ya take of for Castle Town, eh? How aboot we round up the goats a bit early." "Fado, are you from Wisconsin? And what about Castle Town?" "Yeah. An' ya should probably talk to Bo before ya go, eh? Anyways, I'm just gonna stand aboot here an' let ya get to work, eh."

I looked around for HORSE, but didn't see her anywhere, so I called her with a piece of grass. I immediately heard her trotting towards me from the middle of the field. "You were here the whole time? You're like a fucking ninja!" "Neigh." "Oh, no need to be modest. Now, time to round up those ten goats." "Neigh." "What? That's our job! Wait, I see what you mean. Fado, how many goats are there?" "Aboot 20." "Where'd the extra ten...nevermind. Let's just get this over with."

As we finished rounding up the reproducing-like-rabbits-blinking-like-firefly-goats, Fado came up to us. "Hey der LONK, hows aboot I set up the jumpin' fences agin, eh?" "Fado, I get the feeling like I don't actually have a choice in the ma-oh look, the jumping fences. Fantastic."

I left the barn and headed back towards the town. Ilia was standing in the middle of the path, apparently waiting for me. Upon seeing me, she let out an intelligible "UHAHHH?" It's almost an insult that people think me and her should go together. She jogged up to me and we both started walking to where she was 10 seconds ago. When we got there, I dismounted to talk to Bo. "Stay here babe, the men have to talk about men things, like swords and shit."

Bo told me about how I was supposed to got to Castle Town and deliver a gift to the royal family. Damn it! So that's what I agreed to do for Rusl? That lazy son of a- "What's this? HORSE's hurt! Wah Wah Wah! LONK!" "No need to get so hot for, I mean, with him, Ilia." "Father, you're the mayor, do something!" "Ilia, it's his horse..." "Well, I'm gonna steal it again, so pbth" she gracefully said as she stuck her tongue out at us.

"LONK, my daughter's an idiot. Go get your horse, come back here to get the sword, then head out again." "Wait, Bo, wouldn't it be quicker if I grabbed the sword on my way to HORSE, and left for Castle Town from there?" "Yes, but I'm the mayor" "whatever"

I took off at a full sprint after Ilia and HORSE. It would have surprised me that I didn't catch up to them, but I'm learning to expect these things. Besides, Bo insisted that we stare at them leave until they were gone for dramatic effect. "LONK, the other kids are picking on me." "Kick 'em in the balls then, kid. I've got other things to worry about." I continued sprinting down the path, but then "Ohai LONK!" "Hi Talo. Hmm, if I give you this sharpened stick, will you leave me alone" "Yeah!" "Then take it. Now scram"

"Thanks, LONK. They're always teasing me. Now, Let's go see Ilia!" Colin said as he took off at full sprint down the path. "Hey, We're headed to the same place! Why are you running?" I chased after Colin, but by the time I got there, the gate to the spring was already locked. "Damn it Colin. Now if you waited for me, we'd both be in there-" then Ilia interrupted with "Wah wah wah". Colin suggested I climb through some tunnel that starts who knows where behind the spring. I said fuck that, and hoped the gate.

"LONK, I didn't know about the rescue. I'm sorry I acted so rashly earlier. Turns out it was just a splinter. But promise me one thing, LONK...don't do anything out of your league." She gazed deeply into my eyes, as a violin romantically played in the background, and she continued, "I just want you to come home safe." I walked over and took her hands in mine, "Ilia, you have a huge forehead."

She stared at me, oblivious as to how to react, but then the predictable happened, so she didn't have to. "OH NOES! IT'S TEH BULBLINS! LULZ!" If only I had my stick! Then I could have...still been knocked out by a blow to the back of the head.

When I came to, I noticed I was alone. "HORSE? HORSE! _HOOORRRSSSEEE!_ ILIA? ILIA, WHERE ARE YOU? I CANT FIND HORSE! _HORSE!_. I ran back to the Faron Woods, and reflected that it had become a rather popular place in the last few days. But then, I came upon a giant black wall. "Hmm, I wonder who put this-OH NO, THE GIANT HAND IS COMING FOR MY FACE!"

I found my self face to face with a face of rock. I couldn't breath, and thought I was about to die. But just then, the triangle shaped carcinoma in my left hand emitted a bright flash of light. "hmm, I don't recall the doctor mentioning THAT would happen" i though. Rockface, seemingly annoyed, threw me across the valley. It hurt. But what came next was worse. I grew ears and a tail. "Oh NO! I'm a FURRY! Oh, wait, no, I'm a wolf! Fuck yeah!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Owie, my back legs! They feel like I was dragged for miles by them. Wait, where am I?" I looked around, observing my cell. I was chained to the ground. I struggle briefly, but quickly gave up.

I walked around for a little while, experimenting with my new form. It was uncomfortable at first, walking on all four legs, but this body was designed for that, so I got used to it quickly. I found that there were many motions I could not longer, and many motions I could that I formerly couldn't. It was about the time that I innocently discovered auto-fellatio, that I got this feeling that I was being watched. I looked up, and sure enough, I was.

Standing there with a tilted head and shocked facial expression was...something. "I was planning on helping you...but I see you're too busy." I stood up quickly and tried to say 'No, wait!' but all that came out was "BARK BARK." It grinned at me and said "Oooh! Aren't you scary!"

Annoyed, I growled at her. I didn't know who she was or what she wanted, and I wanted to show her that I didn't trust her. "Eee hee! Are you sure you want to be doing that? Snarling and glaring at me?" She returned the glare, exposing a fang in an almost sadistic grin. "I was planning on helping you...if you were nice."

Aside from her, my situation looked hopeless. I didn't even know where I was. I stopped growling and stood properly for a wolf. "Eee hee! That's much better! You humans are obedient to a fault, aren't you? Oops! But you AREN'T human any more, are you? You're a beast! Eee hee!" _Bitch_! I snapped at her, but she jumped backwards to avoid my teeth. "There, there. You be a good boy and calm down. No need to bite." She stared at me, then crossed her hands as she seemingly summoned some form of magic between them and with a loud 'Snap,' the chain keeping me to the ground was broken.

I stared at my paw and restraints in surprise as I had never seen any form of magic before. But I was interrupted by the sudden intrusion of her head into my line of sight. "You look kind of surprised! Eee hee hee!" She backed up towards the bars of the cell, "So I bet you're wondering where exactly we are?" I thought she was about to walk between the bars, because she definitely looked small enough, but instead surprised me by breaking into many bubbles and rematerialized on the other side of the jail bars._Show off._

"We'll make you a deal. If you can get over here, maybe I'll tell you." _How am I supposed to get over there?_ I surveyed the cell bars looking for a weakness and I noticed that there was a pile of wood blocking a section where the bars had deteriorated...because if I managed to break the thick steel chain that was binding me to the floor, some wood scraps would definitely prevent my escape.

I rolled my eyes and ran head first into the pile for a lack of a better idea, and crawled under the bars. I looked around for the gremlin that had been fed after midnight when it landed on my back with excessive force. I tried to buck it off, but tired quickly under the weight of it and that massive stone it wore.

"Hmm, I guess you're not completely stupid after all." _Why, because I can't melt through bars?_ "I like you, so I think I'll help get you out of here. But in exchange you have to do-" she pulled back my ear and yelled into it "-EXACTLY as I say." I lurched my head forward in pain.

I started looking around for a way out. In the process, I noticed that my cell door didn't actually have a lock on it, but just a bar of metal pinning it shut. Had I still had my handy pair opposable thumbs, I could have pulled the pin and walked out the door.

I ran to the main door of this cell block, but it had a solid looking padlock on it, so I checked out the other cell. There was a ring hanging from a chain that the imp suggested I check out. I gave it a pull and a gate opened in the corner of the world's worst deigned prison.

I ran down the dark cramped tunnel, trying to not think about the shadow I was somehow casting. I made my way into what looked like a sewer, when the imp on my back told me about how I could smell ghosts to talk to them.

I journeyed into the sewer way, pulling chains and fighting black octa-no, wait-dodecapusses. We made our way over an arbitrary set of sewer spikes by swimming over them, and found our way to a large circular room. I ran up the staircase and tried so jump over the first gap, but to the aggravation of the imp, I fell. "Ugh, what are you doing?"_Sorry, not all of us can fly!_ We made our way back up, and she flew ahead, showing me the best places to jump to.

Then we were really high up. She said she wanted me to hop on over to another tower, which sounded like an incredibly stupid idea in this weather, but she was serious. So I ran along, jumping and climbing over obstacles until something attacked me.

I jumped at the flying black headless thing but missed, and found myself falling to my doom. As I blacked out, I thought to myself how short of an adventure this turned out to be. But then I awoke not to far from where I jumped. I looked at the imp, who said "I caught you with my giant hair-hand before you landed and brought you back here. Also, you may feel like you're missing some health. That's because I've been beating you while you were unconscious."

Finally we made out way into the tower and worked our way up the stairs. There was someone in an intimidatingly bulky cloak, so I growled. Turns out I was threatening the princess. Oops.

"Midna?" "Oh, you remembered my name. What an honor for me." "So, This is the one for whom you were searching..." "He's not exactly what I had in mind, but...I guess he'll do." _What were you expecting, a goat herder?_ "...You were imprisoned?" _Obviously! So you're the one making all the decisions around here? _"I am sorry." "Poor thing, he has no idea where this is or what's happened...So, don't you think you should explain to him what you've managed to do? ...Twilight Princess! Eee hee!" the cynicism in Midna's voice at the end gave me goosebumps.

"Listen carefully. This was once the land where the power of the gods was said to have slumbered. This was once the kingdom of hyrule. But that blessed kingdom has been transformed by the king that rules the twilight...It has been turned into a world of shadows ruled by creatures who shun the light."

She then started humming some evil music, occasionally breaking to narrarate."Bum bum, ba da da dum dum. So all the guards were standing around me. Ba da da di di dee dum dum. Then these clouds and big black creatures came and killed all the guards" Then she made the sound of an elephant, which I don't understand. "Then this guy walked up and told me to surrender or die. Guess which one I chose."

"You don't have to look so sad! We actually find it to be quite livable! I mean, is perpetual twilight all that bad?" "Midna... This is no time for levity. The shadow beasts have been searching far and wide for you. Why is this?" Perpetual? Levity? Man, you don't hear these words growing up on a ranch... I'm just gonna stand hear and pretend to be a wolf that understands what is going on.

Midna floated off my back and looked away. "Why indeed? You tell me! Eee hee hee!" "Time has grown short. The guard will soon make his rounds. You must leave here quickly." _Alright, there's just one thing I want to do before I go._

I stood in the middle of the floor and ran in circles, doing donuts in the surprising amount of dust. Midna kicked me with her heels as a sign to cut it out, so I left. On the other side of the door, I lifted my leg to make my mark. _LONK was here_. Then we left.

"Eee hee hee! Well? Do you understand where we are now? I guess a promise is a promise, so I'll get you back to where you first tumbled into twilight... But...are you really sure you should be going back? Are you sure you aren't forgetting anything important?" she then transformed into Colin and Ilia. "Eee hee! Do you want to save them?" _The though did go through my head...yeah, why the hell not._ "Well, in that case, little Midna would be happy to help you! But... Well, you'd have to be my servant... and like a servant, you'd have to to exactly as I say! Why don't you go back, take a little time, and give it some thought. Eee hee hee!"

She returned me to the spring in Ordon. "Oh, that's right, I forgot to mention one thing...Though you may have left the darkened realm, you haven't transformed back to your former self...and you won't anytime soon!

_What? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF_


	4. Chapter 4

"So, um, what's next? Eee hee hee. Did you think I'd disappeared? Listen, there's another thing I forgot to tell you... Don't think you can just run off and save your friends, because you can't." _Just as well_, I figured, _they were adopted, so they're easily replaceable._

"Just beyond that bridge, the land is covered in twilight. Last time, a shadow beast pulled you through the curtain of twilight. But if you want to go that way this time, you'll need the cooperation of someone FROM the twilight... like me! So you really have no choice but to do what I say. Saving your friends and all that... Well, that'll depend on your actions..." _Sucks to be them, _thought I.

"Because you never can trust words, you know. Right now, I want a sword and sheild that'll suit me. You do understand me, don't you?" _Not a word, but fortunately you come with subtitles._ "Eee hee hee! So, what do you plan to do? While you're here dawdling, the twilight continues to expand. Come on! Hurry it up!"

I took off down the path back to my place. There was a goblin blocking the path, but it was easily dispatched. And by dispatched, I mean ignored. Unfortunately, there were two more in front of my treehouse.

The first one I snuck around and bit the back of it's neck, and it fell to the ground. I tried to kill it, but for some reason, none of my bites made contact. It was embarrassing; he lay motionless on the ground, but every attack missed. So I opted to teabag him instead while he was down, and the massive pwnage caused his body to explode.

The other goblin was removed in a likewise manner: I tackled him, ran up to his corpse, and squatted over his face into oblivion.

At last, I reached town. I saw Bo and Jaggle across the river and went to see what they were talking about. It seemed Bo was again bragging about time that he toasted a some bread and Jesus's face appeared on it.

I rolled my eyes and decided to go steal Rusl's underused sword (he used to just use it to pick up chicks in castle town, till he accidentally Colin in Uli's base), but then I realized Bo had that crappy shield that had seen much proud service in numerous war reenactments, namely, the war between Bo keeping his dishes clean vs. eating off random large flat surfaces like shields and his daughter's forehead.

I looked for a way into Bo's place, when my impish friend ("No Link, I'm not your friend. I'm just using you." "And only a true friend would admit to that, Mindy." "Link, I'm going to drown your body in the lake when I'm done with you." "Just watch. We'll become super BFFs... forever!" "I hate you." "Shut up and let me get back to telling the internets your stupid plan to get the shield.")

Like I was saying, she thought we could jump into an open window after climbing up a water wheel and hopping over a few islands. None of the physics in her plan really made sense, so I suggested we use the front door. "You people leave your front doors unlocked at night?" "Why not? It's not like we live in New Jersey!"

Thus the shield was easy to get. The sword wasn't much harder. We went further up the village to Rusl's place, and found Rusl and Uli talking about the loss of their son down by the creek. "It's OK Uli, we can make another one. A better one. Lets try right now." "Oh Rusl, I find your indifference to the loss of our first born child so... masculine and impulsive. Ravish me! Take me now, Lin—er, Rusl!"

Before the scene got any weirder, I left. Midna suggested we dig a tunnel under the side of the house hoping there would be an area that hadn't been floored inside. I knew they were looking at getting new hardwood flooring for their house, so much to her disappointment, we walked in the front door again.

Laying on the couch was a sword. I looked it over, how the black leather formed a comfortable grip around the handle, how the large pommel balanced the weight to the long blade, how the stamp "Made in China" glistened in the fire light. I warned Midna, "If you see any paint on that, don't touch it."

Midna put the sword... where ever she keeps this stuff... and we went forth into the Twilight. On the way, while passing the spring, I heard a heavenly ethereal voice cal to me. It sounded like Cher. So I went.

The voice went on: "You have... been transformed... by the power... of shadow... Come.. to me... and listen... to my... impersonation... of.. William... Shatner: Beware... The Romulans... they... approach..." Needless to say, I was a little pissed when a portal opened in the sky and another stone-face creature dropped out of it, and the spirit didn't help much.

At first, I thought the fall might have killed the thing, but the spirit continued, "Uhura... open... a hailing... frequency... Spock... shields at max... Scottie... I need... more power... to the... engines... I'm givin 'er all she's got, cap'n!"

I was in a bit of a predicament. You see, in human form, I'm an expert fighter. From almost any position, I can find a way to kick my opponent in the testicles. I didn't think my strategy would be use without my human legs though.

See, I have this policy on killing: Only do it sometimes. And this didn't feel like one of those times. So I lunged at the monster's dreadlocks and dangled from them, tugging them, sinking my teeth into them. He shook me loose so I did it again. He apparently had enough and retreated through the portal he opened.

"O brave youth... I am one of the four light spirits that protect Hyrule at the behest of the gods. I am Ordona." I hardly caught the name of the giant sheep because it was talking too slow and I left. Hopefully, nothing important was said.

We came upon the black runey wall again, when Midna appeared. "Hey... Look... The Faron Woods that you know so well... They're now covered in twilight. You might not be able to come back here, but... Do you still want to go?" Oh god yes.

She flew through the wall, and a giant orange hand appeared, grabbing my whole body.

"Hmm! So these are the weapons you use in your world?" You really think this thing can slay the creatures of twilight?" 

"I thought that was the point in getting them! You told me to!"

"...Well, I won't use these, but I'll hang on to them for you. Alright, a promise is a promise... I trust you enough to help. In exchange for my help, though, I need you to gather some things for me. Look, I can't tell you all the details now, but it'll be easy, trust me... But enough about that. Do you hear that noise?"

"Uhh, all I hear is My Chemical Romance's _Famous Last Words..."_

"It's the lamentation of the spirit that had it's light stolen"

"Wait, so the spirit listens to crappy emo music? Are we sure we want to revive it?"

"...Where in the world could it be? Eee hee! Better get going, don't you think? Don't blame me for the world's fate if you don't hurry up and find that light! Come on! Snap to it!"


End file.
